April 23, 2015

Where does it hurt? Tell me cause I understand..

Pic found here.

Today I want to talk about parent-child relationship. What I've learnt and how I see it.

No, that is not exactly right. Let's talk about approval and things that our parents say (and think it does not matter in the long run) that hurt us deep inside for life.

You know, it is on days like this that I remember why I moved 2000 miles away from home. I love my parents, but I figured years ago that we are better with many miles away from each other. 

What I also figured out is.. I am never coming back in the long run. Little Nea was right after all. Fuck, there is something about the Slovenian national character that I just, ugh. Don't get me wrong I am still Slovenian to the core, but gee. Maybe living 2,5 years abroad changed me. I can see the characteristics more clearly when I am not actually part of it. And I must say it kinda bothered me. But all this for another time.

All I wanted was a nice, honest conversation with my mom. I am 26 now and, whether I like it or not, I am definitely an adult now. I wanted to talk about things. And the things I've heard.. it's wasn't nice. All I could think of was, shake it off. No, no I don't wanna hear it. And it's not because things got ugly, but because I sincerely didn't want to hear it. Like that song that keeps going through my mind during exams.. This is the part where I say I don't wanna!!

Apparently my dad came up with the thought that - a family friend who had a really demanding and weird upbringing for their kids - was probably right in the long run. And I was struck. What the hell?! What the hell is wrong with my sister and me?! We turned out quite ok, great even considering all the narcissist and self-centred asses around me. What is wrong with us? What is wrong with me?

She talked about how money doesn't fall of a tree. And I was like ... don't I know that? They thought me from the age of 7 what money is. I had money since I was 7 years old. Pocket money for the month, and when I used it, it was gone till next month. So I started being careful since young age about it. Gods, even when my bank account is huge (for me) I feel like I can't spend much, cause you never know what might happen tomorrow and it's always better to be prepared, just in case. How many clothes I did not buy.. Responsibility. I know about responsibility for god's sake. I've been living alone and abroad for the past 2,5 years and been fine.  I've paid my University fees all on my own for the most part. I survived. Gods, I did great, and I know it. I went through hell for it, in a job that I despised all along, but I endured it cause I had to, because it paid well, so I can be at Uni. I made it, when my parents didn't believe I would make it. But I did. I did great. 

But the thing that struck me the most was.. this guy that I went for 2 dates, texted me while we were on skype with dad, and he said that we just weren't right for each other and that we should stay friends. Which was great, cause I felt the same and I thought, omg finally someone honest that said it and not just disappeared. Apparently not. My parents started laughing and said (for another guy that I've met, who is being responsive and nice and I like him) that he obviously will loose interest soon. And I was like, what the flippin' fuck?! All my issues aside, how am I supposed to be confident and hopeful for my future marriage, if my parents think me and a guy is the biggest joke of the time? It might have felt like a joke, but after so many years of the same story, sorry, it does not feel like a joke at all. I mean, sure, why would someone love me the way I am, when even my parents apparently can't? If they can't imagine it, how can I?

Insightful week I must say. You know, you'd think it's gonna get easier through the years. Not so much. 

Until next time,

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