July 13, 2014

Does magic really happen outside of your comfort zone?

So, I've been thinking.. Is walking out of your comfort zone really that better and awesome and incredible?

I gave my notice today. The job that I've been in for the last year. A year. And I pretty much hated it. The relationships, the attitude, the environment. To sum it up, lets just say it was awful. But I did it. All for Uni, all in the name of science. And in the end of the day, it did pay for most of my Uni fees. But God, I paid in blood this Uni. I will keep the scars on my body for the rest of my life, saying "Yeah, this was all for my Master degree".

But you know the funny thing? I didn't feel awesome or great, or invincible. Instead I felt sad. And kind of nostalgic. And guilty. Which is stupid cause I haven't had a break since last August. Work work work, Uni work, Uni work, work work work, Uni Uni, work work. And I am burning out. So when I broke down, I made a decision. I am going home and I am having a break from all of it. Cause if I don't do it now, I will burn out in September. And who wants to start a semester all burned out? In the end it's all for Uni, all in the name of science. But if I have no energy left.. where is the point?

But what I am actually trying to say is.. Going back home to what is known and being surrounded by people that I love.. is Comfort zone really such a bad thing? 

I love my friends. God, I have the best friends in the world. They know the best of me and the worst of me and they still love me. They accept me for who I am. And I would be seriously lost in the world without them. They are my Comfort zone. And I am happy there. 

So I've been thinking, all this moving away many times, just to see if on the other side of the wall will be better.. was it really that better? Yeah, I've gained experience and met new people. But the funny thing is that I still search for them around the world. I am searching for my friends and their acceptance and love. I am searching for the same people on different sides of the world. And yeah, I have a job which pays me (for me) lots of money.. but at what cost?

What I really want to say is, putting all this on a scale, I don't know if it was worth it. Yes, I am in one of the best Universities in the world. I've made it by myself. I am proud of it. But am I happy? No. 

I've always tried to find happiness in little things. I still do. But with my job and the Uni work all I felt was stressed. And pissed off. Grumpy. Always thinking about saving money for Uni, being a good person, trying my best in exams, surviving in a work environment that repress people for being people. And at the same time thinking "This was your dream, this is what you wanted".And believe me, it's really tiring to be constantly pissed off. At myself, at the job, at Uni, at life. Maybe I should have found a different job sooner. Or maybe.. I don't know. But all I feel is staying in bed for a month. 

So I am going back to my Comfort zone. My precious Comfort zone. And believe me, I can already feel the magic. I am going back home to remember who I am. Cause seriously, this constantly pissed off person is not who I am. I can't wait to be surrounded by people who love me and be finally me again. To remember what is important, what really matters. And I know I will find it in there. 

Until next time,

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