October 19, 2014

There is no future in England's dreaming

Pic found here.
This is a story of a little girl who thought the future was going to be bright. 

And was met by darkness.

I was raised in a culture (country) where the common belief was that if you are good and you study hard, you will get a job and live a fairly comfortable life. We are not talking luxury here. Comfortable life. With a job that you've earned with your hard studying. 

I was raised by my parents which are still today very much in love. So, I've grown up with this idea that real love does exist. And most of my family friends are happily married after 25 years. It takes effort and patience and compromising.. but it exist. I saw and still see the proof of it. Me and my sister are the fruit of it. 

Of course as a little girl that I was, I thought that if I find something that I will love and enjoy immensely and I study hard for it, I will later get a job that I really enjoy doing. And no matter what kind of boyfriends I encounter in my teens, I will find someone that will be the one, lets say. That we are going to be like my parents.

I woke up in a good mood today. It was the readathon day! I couldn't participate in the last two because I was working long hours in the weekend and really there was no point in reading 30 pages and that's it. I wanted the whole experience and the joy that this event brings me every time. I was so excited for it this autumn. 

And then I got this assignment that is due next week. And I was sad, because I knew that I won't be able to do the readathon, because I have to study. Which I am. I decided to participate nonetheless, just instead of romance novels, to read scientific articles. 

I had to go to work as well. My colleague just became supervisor. Yesterday at work was bad.. but today, it was awful. I hate when people get a better position and then they get on this ego-trip thinking they know all the answers. Wtf? They start to behave differently and honestly, I don't feel like part of a team anymore. I feel like I have a bossy 19 years old girl telling me what to do. When, um, hello, I know. I was working with you for a month. If I still wouldn't know how to do my job by now, please fire me, cause apparently I am a moron.

I was pissed off. The whole evening. Apparently the manager noticed. She had a chat with me. Yeeey, love me little chats. Fuck. No. 

Anyway, whatever, but this situation reminded me of my job at the coffee shop and I got cold all over. I took it then, but hell no, I am not taking it now again. As I said, I really don't like too young girls on ego-trips. Just no. 

I got home and started reading more articles. And here is where things got tricky. I love psychology. But for once I wish things were just simply explained. Not complicated and with more questions than before I started. Gods, these articles. It's chaos. And nothing is definite. And after 10 articles.. I broke down.

I have no idea what I am going to write in my assignment. It's confusing and difficult and insane. And I hate it. Where did the "read the literature and write up what you've learnt" go? Because having 20 articles all defeating the theory of the previous one or the other way around isn't really helping, is it? Confusing. And tiring. 

And I think this was the moment where I finally realised what the problem is. The big picture. 

Slovenia, you failed me.

I always thought I would study in another city in the country and then decide if to move back to my hometown or stay in the city where I studied. Meet someone good, who does what is right and not what is easy, and be happy. My mother was 23 when she got married and had my sister.

And the economic crisis began. And the social crisis. And the crisis of my life.

We had this professor in my last year back home. She told us that we have to go abroad to build a future for ourselves. I thought she was exaggerating, but after some thoughts I figures she might be right. 

I applied to Edinburgh Uni - top 17 Universities in the world - and moved to Edinburgh. I thought, if I can just make it through this, I will have something really good, and then I can go back home and build that comfortable future for myself. 

It would be really laughable if I wasn't so incredibly sad right now. 

Don't you see? There is no future. 

Or at least not the one that I've imagined as that little girl full of aspirations and hopes for a better future. And I am not talking about "generation Y" here, I am talking about comfortable future. And that future is gone. 

I am working in hospitality. And believe me, after 9 years of seasonal working, I am freaking tired of it. I am tired that I get bossed around by people who don't even have a degree. While I have one. I am angry that, at 25, I am at the pick of my brain developing, and I am wasting my time doing a job I hate. I want to do something important that could improve people's lives, or use my brain in a more productive way. Anything that would make  me feel challenged. That would fulfil me in any way. 

And, the interpersonal relations crisis. Oh my god, I never knew growing up would suck so badly. Do people have no values left at all? All around me, everyone is just using people for that 2 minutes high. And I am like, really?!

I was born in the wrong century. 

And honestly.. I really don't see the point anymore. 

My dear Slovenia is fucked. Our government is so corrupted that I wonder how they are even alive, doing the things they are doing. The economy is going down. The interpersonal relations are going down too. 

And all I can think is.. I've wasted 2 years of my young age doing hospitality work so I could pay my University fees, and study and have something.. for all that something to crumble into nothing. Because, really, where would be the point of going back? To no job? When I invested nearly 3 years of my life and thousands of pounds earned with sweat and blood into it. All for that comfortable future. 

And all I can think is that alternative future that I missed because I chased the attainable. All to figure out that it was unattainable. 

And they say "hard work pays off". Hardly.

I feel so cheated. 

So, if this is this evolved and advanced society you were telling me to look forward when I was a little girl, I am telling you now, screw you. You and your awesomely evolved society.

Good night,

October 18, 2014

October 2014 24-hour Read-A-Thon is here! :)

Hiii there!!

It's nice to see you all again. I've missed the last two read-a-thons unfortunately, due to my job. Working weekends sucks. So this year I was so so happy that I could participate again! I always have a great time with you guys! I was really excited for this, and then.. I got this big assignment for Uni which is due next week. And I was like "bummer". And then I got the idea!! I have to read a lot of articles regarding the clinical neuropsychology of frontotemporal dementia, and I figured I should do just that! As much as I wish I could read romance novels today.. I will read scientific articles. And the read-a-thon is the best way to keep me motivated and keep reading!

1) What fine part of the world are you reading from today?
Edinburgh, Scotland! And today is sunny, so that's a bonus.

2) Which book in your stack are you most looking forward to?
Uh. Scientific articles are.. complicated and boring sometimes. But I am hoping to learn everything there is and write an awesome report by tomorrow! Ok.. the first draft would work just fine. 

3) Which snack are you most looking forward to?
Coffee. Lots of coffee.

4) Tell us a little something about yourself!
My name is Nea. I come from Slovenia, but I've moved to Scotland in 2012. I am doing a Master in Psychology of Individual Differences. I am in my second year and so far so good. I work part time as well. I actually have to go to work for few hours later on, but no worries, I will be back as soon as I can :)

5) If you participated in the last read-a-thon, what’s one thing you’ll do different today?
The readathon will be a bit different for me this time around. My studies, unfortunately in this case, have priority. So, scientific articles will be a different kind of challenge. And I am planning to read them all. 

You can find me on twitter@neabarabea
You can find me on Goodreads

Happy readathon people out there. I hope you are gonna have an incredible and unforgettable time. And good luck :) 

October 04, 2014

Being honest is the answer. Or it should be.

Beginnings, beginnings. 

You know the funny thing is that I thought that being honest from the start would make things ok. Apparently I was wrong. Or maybe I wasn't. If the other person was honest as well.. things might have been different. But they weren't. They aren't. And that sucks.

My sister always used to say that the beginnings are the best part of the relationship. And it's true. Everything is new and exciting and exhilarating and everything seems perfect. Sad thing is, I don't think I quite believe it anymore. Which makes me sad.

So, I met this guy. And when the night was over I told him that if he was searching for a one night stand the answer is no, I am not searching for that and if that was his intention, well the answer is no. And he said "Yeah I am not searching for that either". I was positively surprised to be honest. And we were texting each other and everything. It was quite nice. It lasted a week. And the day after, he was gone. As in like "text me later, ok?" And he disappeared. 

Which begs the question.. What the hell is going on?!

I can't help but wander, has this become a new mechanism of functioning in interpersonal relations in today's society? Let her believe that I am down to it and then just disappear? Because let me tell you right now, this isn't cool. Or ok. 

Because I beg to differ. Being honest from the beginning about what you want should be the point. As in like "yes, I totally want to commit to someone and see where it goes" or "No, I don't feel I am ready/not the right time/insert whatever you feel". That would be the right thing to do. And if you are confused about it, just say it. Do not lead someone to then just disappear. 

And this is the thing that pissed me off the most. If you tell me something then stay true to it. Or don't say it in the first place. Because honestly, you took away that choice from me. I will adapt to the situation. I will make choices based on the things that you tell me. And saying something that you don't really mean and then just ran off without saying a word totally takes that choice from me. Because I didn't really know, did I? How could have I?

So I am left with doubts, questions, and nonetheless, anger. I am angry. Because I thought we were heading into something. Until that someone decided we are not. Did I actually have a say in it? No. Is that ok? Fuck no.

My friend says it takes two people to do something. And I am like "Yeah, but I want to know what I am getting into". This isn't a bet where I am hoping to win. It's freaking reality and words which should count for something. I shouldn't be betting on someone not to coax me into something that I might want. I want someone to tell me how things actually are. I should be aware to a certain extend where this thing is going. Shouldn't I?

And you will say, it's complicated. Yes, it always is. But for fuck's sake, not like this. People should just be honest. It would solve so much. So so much. Because, really, with all the toys in the world, people shouldn't play with other people's emotions. 

I am not sure I put this down the way I wanted it, or if it's understood the way I want it to be. But this is how I feel and that's just it.

Until next time,

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