August 27, 2012

The Future's Gonna Be, Wherever You Wanna Be

The University will be starting in 14 days. And I am not going. Considering my bitching in the last 6 months you'll probably think "WHAT?!" Yes, I am not going. Because even though I've been having two jobs I don't have enough money for the University fee, let alone for eating, sleeping and breathing. 

I knew this for about a month now. I don't talk about it much. Because, well, my heart broke when I did the calculus and I figured I won't be able to attend. And everyday I think about the email I need to send to the University saying I won't attend my classes in September. And everyday I say "Tomorrow I will" but I never do. But now I really need to. And my heart is breaking all over again. 

And it seems like the only person who noticed was my taxi driver and friend. Last Friday I was really wasted. And he took me home. He stopped the car and said "ok, Nea what's wrong?" and I was like "Nothing's wrong". Because really I felt nothing was wrong. My mechanism of coping was to push my University issues in the back of my mind and not think about it. So, of course, I haven't noticed that I was drunk almost every second day. I thought I was partying a lot. Until my taxi driver said, "You know, anything you're searching you won't find it on the bottom of the bottle". And there I started crying. Because let's face it, everything is NOT ok. Not at all. I hate my job, I hate being a waitress, because, hello, I will be having a Bachelor degree in Psychology in a month and I need to serve drunk/annoying/crap people? Hell, no. I don't like living with my parents. No, that's an understatement. I resent living with my parents because there is no space in the house for me. I miss my privacy.

But most of all I miss my friends from Maribor. I hate having a pointless conversation because that's all I've got here at home. Pointless conversation. Which is, by the point, pointless, so I rather read a book alone and I'm fine. Or so I thought.

I can't wait to leave this country behind. I resent this crap whole so much. I resent people for not noticing how sad and angry I feel toward the whole world. It sucks. And my parents. God. They came back from holidays a couple of days ago and I already feel like the walls are closing around me. "You didn't take great care of your grandmother". It's not my fault she fell. I took her to the hospital. 3 times. I waited 3 hours there and I didn't say anything. What do you want me to say? Sorry? Sorry for not sitting beside her everyday while I wasn't working? Sorry, but no. I have issues too. I don't complain, but I still have them. And it's hurting me a lot. And really I don't get it. So, what, if we don't talk about it, the problem doesn't exist? What bullshit is that?! It's like they think I don't mind not going to study in Edinburgh in 14 days. Hell, these were my dreams, for God's sake. And obviously, they don't matter shit. 

And that's maybe what hurts the most. Noone cares. My heart in breaking everytime I think about the email I need to send and noone cares.

My friend Alenka is saying I am looking at the problem from the wrong perspective because it's not like I am not going at all. I am going in January. I'm just postponing my goal. But that doesn't mean I am super happy about it. I'm not. So not.

But, like always I am not giving up. I just felt the need to tell someone. And you guys have shown me so much support and I am grateful. A lot. I love you. Because God's knows, I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for your support when my world was crashing down.

I can't wait to leave this country behind. With nothing left behind, nothing worth returning to. 

When I left for London, I knew I needed to come back eventually. To finish University and such. This time will be different. I will return for holidays. But I will never come back because I would need to, it will be because I want to. Hopefully, there won't be the need.

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