April 11, 2012

Growing up sucks. Wanting something better for yourself is even worse

Pic from here.
OK, I have a great feeling that, if I don't write this down, I will explode. Literally. 

My world just fell apart. Shattered into million pieces.

In this moment I am the saddest person alive. Oh, my God, I can't believe this is actually happening to me. Ok, maybe I should have considered it, but I didn't. Why? Because I didn't want to. If you're my follower or you check my blog once in a while, you probably know I study Psychology. I love Psychology!! I love Mr. Freud. I love everything about Psychology <3 Until here, everything is good. 

I am currently finishing my studies at the University of Maribor and I've been thinking about applying to the University of Edinburgh since the moment I've put my foot on the Scottland ground. Yes, I was THAT in love with the city. So, I decided I will apply. Lots of nerves, lots of anxiety. But I managed to put together all the papers I need. With the help of my AWESOME friend Ines. "Today is the day I will send the application, I thought. Little did I know. 

To be sure I've checked again the site for Slovenian scholarships. The first thing that caught my attention was the time of the study. I wanted to apply for part-time and then work in some library or bookstore, and I would have been living there for 2 years. But the scholarship was just for full-time, with no way of working in a library or in whatsoever and being there just 1 year. 

But ok. I was prepared to apply even for a year. And give up upon working in a library. And then I saw the points. You can achieve 85 points. First for the study field. Psychology isn't rank high. Well, actually that's an understatement. Psychology is ranked with 0 points. Awesome, just awesome. But let's go on. The second collecting points thing - you had a scientific article in some kind of journal or you attended some kick-ass conference and such. Yeah, I totally did at the age of 23. Sure. Um, no, I didn't. 0 points.

The last one was about the average credits. YES! Finally something. I've got 20 points out of 30. That's great.

But still. It's 20 points out of 85! Should I even apply for it? I mean seriously. They will laugh at me.

And so, there is this thing. I could apply for a full-time study program and apply for the Scholarship, which I still don't know if I will even get. And guess what? Once you apply, you actually APPLY. It's not like you can change the program from full- to part-time. Or so I think. OR I can apply for part-time with no scholarship. How will I pay my studies? I dunno. On what will I live for 2 years? I dunno. Where will I live for 2 years? I dunno. Isn't this just amazing? Fuck no.

I'm so so disappointed. And, with no plan. Yet. This is a disaster.

And you know what? Primary Socialization teaches us that no matter how much primal sense of inevitability in the subsequent disappointments weaken, the memory of certainty (that will never happen again) is adhering to the first world of Childhood. Primary Socialization in this way achieves what we can call the biggest and most important issue of trust, that the society can afford. The world of Childhood is designed to instill an established value system in the individual structure, that the child can trust, as in "everything will be okay". Later we find out that some things are way far from being "okay". So thank you my awesome society for letting me think that everything will be okay and that you'll always stand behind me, be there for me. Yeah. Fuck that.

And in all this? I wish I could call my mum and cry my heart out of how unhappy, disappointed and sad I am. And you wanna know why I won't call? Becuase all she will say will be: "Yeah, Nea that sucks. But I can't help you. At least, you can stay in Maribor for as long as you like for your studies."

Geee thanks, but no thanks.

BUT. There is just one thing that is perfectly clear at this moment. I don't know how, but sure as hell, if they do accept me and I do get in, there is no way in hell that someone will stop me from doing so. I AM going to study at the University of Edinburgh. 

I do actually feel better now.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...