August 24, 2016

You can close your eyes and think of England, or you just don't and you let it go.

Dear England,

most of my life I thought you were the best thing in existence. I did. I really, really did. I thought English people were just better because they were English. I thought they were better because they speak English with the proper English accent. I thought they were better because they were born in England and not anywhere else. Because England. 

Not anymore.

England, I'm so tired of you and your people. I'm so tired of trying to fit in and trying and trying, and trying. I'm tired. I'll never fit in.

I will never be anything other than an Eastern European to you. Ever. And the way you say this is so insulting, even if you don't mean it, it still is (sorry Eastern European people, you know what I mean, and again I'm sorry) in fact insulting. And not because you have no fucking clue of geography (because btw I would have never ever passed my finals in high school if I didn't know which countries belong to which side of Europe), but because you never really try, do you? All the excuse I ever get is "I'm not good in geography". I can understand that if you are an American, or Asian, but fucking European?! How did YOU pass finals in high school!? 

Second thing is you make me feel lower than you just by being. Talking to me. Being like "Are you Swedish?" with all that glint in your eyes, and then I say "No, I'm Slovenian," and you are "ah." What does that mean? Am I lower than you just because I'm from the Balkan, even though you think Slovenia is in the Baltic?

Why was I ever envy of you and your way of life?

And your way of life. You know, we, Slovenians, we might be very direct, but fuck my life, we were never this mean.

Dating. We might not do it the way you do it, but we sure as hell don't drag people along making them feel like they matter when in fact they don't. And I'm not talking about the first date. I'm talking about the 5th where you should sure as hell know if yes or no. And I mean sure as fucking hell. We don't lie to each other. Not like this. Geez, if we are not compatible then we just aren't, but don't make it sound like the best thing ever when you're actually thinking this was the worst thing ever. Honesty is the key, no? Cause this is mean, evil even. And it's not okay. And believe me, it never will be. You should never play with people's emotions. It's not right. 

I've been living here trying to make it, you know. It's just not working. And I was working hard to make it. But you know what? I don't feel like doing it anymore. 

Your lifestyle where everything is about work. Cause you know work? Not about friends, not about family, not about free time where you do the fuck you want?! But work. Hang it, seriously.  If I was meant to be alive to work 10-11 hours a day for 17000 pounds a year (which equals less than the minimum wage) as a graduate job.. then honestly I don't even know what to say. I get it that we start at the bottom, but flipping fucking chicken should never get me more money than a graduate job. Thank you capitalism and fuck you.

And I miss the passion. Passion for life, adventure, and beautiful things. And as much as I tried to find it in here, sorry England you have none. 

So, here we are. With me counting down the weeks and you laughing at me bloody England. You know, you don't feel like anything like in the historical romance - at least then you had gentleman who treated ladies well and took care of them, so tell me, what do you have now?

I think this is us. Done. 

I'm tired of you letting me down and you're probably tired of making me try harder. Which ever it is.. I don't really care. Cause this is not anymore about doing what is right or what is easy, but it's about what can I live with and what I cannot. And I'm really sorry to say (or not so sorry anymore), I cannot do this anymore. I just can't. You are not good for me.

I need to start doing what is right for me. And you are such a huge obstacle that I don't feel like investing more years in it to make it (possibly) work. Sorry England, I can't be bothered. We are done.

See A.? I might not be Taylor Swift, but I have my voice and my words.

With all my love,

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