September 29, 2015

Højskolen Cronicles #1

For the love of god, will I ever find a place where I feel good myself and everything else? I suppose not. Which I swear is becoming some kind of freaking tradition. I am not happy about this. So I moved to Sicily to have the adventure of my life and became depressed instead. I moved to London for the fun and adventure of it.. and I felt lonely there. I moved to Edinburgh to search for a job and save money for my Masters and afterward start my Masters and I felt.. not sure I can fit it all in one word, but let's go with tired. And miserable. And out of place. And I hated it. Then I got this idea to move to Denmark to do a »boarding school« for 4 months. Sweet god, have I not thought this through at all?! Apparently not.

At the beginning it was fun. The first week was cool and everyone was so nice and all was lovely. Three weeks in.. I am going mad.

See the thing is, I kinda became independent in Edinburgh. I've grown up I suppose. I took care of myself and other things. I develop this mindset of thinking and I was used to be surrounded (mostly) by people who thought the same. Ha, here is a completely different story. There are 19yo and 20yo who for the most part lets say that they are responsible and cool, but gods some are just O_o freaking irresponsible, egocentric, don't give a shit about anything and on top of that they think they are soooo cool. I feel old I swear. And we all have to be nonstop in a good mood and be nice to each other and I want to vomit. No wonder I come across negative.. but what the hell?! I am a horrible mute person in the morning before my second cup of coffee, and sometimes, like today, I have one of those days and so sue me, I feel how I feel! So yeah it's kinda difficult to be part of this large group of people.. constantly.

Which leads me to another part, privacy. FML, I have no privacy! I swear to god I never valued my privacy as I value it right now when I have none. Ok, there are some rooms upstairs I can access to, like right now for example, when I feel like all I want to do is drink wine, think in silence, not talk, and write how I feel. So freaking difficult! And the next day when I get back to my room, my room mate keeps asking me, mostly in front of others, where I slept! Why on earth is this any of your business?! And then, of course, they think it's a boy – cause really, it must be, right? God, the gossip of my sexual life is so much better than the actual one. And to say, I am a sociable person and love being around others, but what is too much is too much even for me.

Which leads me to the next point. I am, yes, a sociable human being who feeds on emotions of others. I love it and it makes me feel alive. Sweet baby god, these emotions, and hormones are suffocating me! There is simply too much of it. And it builds through the week, during classes, lunch, dinner, and sport, and then it explodes on a Friday night.

And the language barrier. There is like 40 of us, and there are 19 Danes, which translate to constant Danish around me. If I stand next to them or not. And now imagine being constantly surrounded by loud people talking in the non-comprehensible language.. it sucks. My brain keeps picking up on the words - words that I obviously don't understand. Exhausting. And annoying. I mean, I get it, but that doesn't have to mean I have to like it.   

And the routine. I have never been a routine person. Yeah sure I mean, I drink coffee first thing in the morning, but that pretty much sums it up. I thought the routine will be good for me. To organize my life and lessen some anxiety shit, but fuck. It's hard. Waking up in the morning and go to class is hard. Haven't been waking up this early since high school. And that was years ago. I am half stupid till like 10am and it takes many cups of coffee to make me feel at least barely alive. It's been three weeks and so far.. I am still not used to it.

The food is so so good here. Seriously, the food is oh my god awesome. I haven't eaten this much since three years ago when I moved to the UK. It's great, but I figured… I am so tired constantly. And my only idea why is.. because I eat so much and I eat basically all the time. At 8pm, at noon, at 6pm, and we have snacks in between as well. Hence, tired cause I eat nonstop.

I thought living in a small town will be good for me after living in a capital city for three years. That I would develop this calm and contact with nature and … yeah right. I miss the city. I miss all the places I could go to. Here there is only one main street and sure it's pretty, but it's basically it.

Going back to where I began, I really didn't and don't want to sound like I am always complaining. I hate that kind of people, ironically. But as I said, I feel how I feel and I really hope I will get used to all this madness soon, or I don't know, I will pack my stuff and leave. To where I am not sure. But I want to stay and make it work, but as for now, it seems like a long way to go. Future Nea, please figure it out.

Until next time,

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