October 19, 2014

There is no future in England's dreaming

Pic found here.
This is a story of a little girl who thought the future was going to be bright. 

And was met by darkness.

I was raised in a culture (country) where the common belief was that if you are good and you study hard, you will get a job and live a fairly comfortable life. We are not talking luxury here. Comfortable life. With a job that you've earned with your hard studying. 

I was raised by my parents which are still today very much in love. So, I've grown up with this idea that real love does exist. And most of my family friends are happily married after 25 years. It takes effort and patience and compromising.. but it exist. I saw and still see the proof of it. Me and my sister are the fruit of it. 

Of course as a little girl that I was, I thought that if I find something that I will love and enjoy immensely and I study hard for it, I will later get a job that I really enjoy doing. And no matter what kind of boyfriends I encounter in my teens, I will find someone that will be the one, lets say. That we are going to be like my parents.

I woke up in a good mood today. It was the readathon day! I couldn't participate in the last two because I was working long hours in the weekend and really there was no point in reading 30 pages and that's it. I wanted the whole experience and the joy that this event brings me every time. I was so excited for it this autumn. 

And then I got this assignment that is due next week. And I was sad, because I knew that I won't be able to do the readathon, because I have to study. Which I am. I decided to participate nonetheless, just instead of romance novels, to read scientific articles. 

I had to go to work as well. My colleague just became supervisor. Yesterday at work was bad.. but today, it was awful. I hate when people get a better position and then they get on this ego-trip thinking they know all the answers. Wtf? They start to behave differently and honestly, I don't feel like part of a team anymore. I feel like I have a bossy 19 years old girl telling me what to do. When, um, hello, I know. I was working with you for a month. If I still wouldn't know how to do my job by now, please fire me, cause apparently I am a moron.

I was pissed off. The whole evening. Apparently the manager noticed. She had a chat with me. Yeeey, love me little chats. Fuck. No. 

Anyway, whatever, but this situation reminded me of my job at the coffee shop and I got cold all over. I took it then, but hell no, I am not taking it now again. As I said, I really don't like too young girls on ego-trips. Just no. 

I got home and started reading more articles. And here is where things got tricky. I love psychology. But for once I wish things were just simply explained. Not complicated and with more questions than before I started. Gods, these articles. It's chaos. And nothing is definite. And after 10 articles.. I broke down.

I have no idea what I am going to write in my assignment. It's confusing and difficult and insane. And I hate it. Where did the "read the literature and write up what you've learnt" go? Because having 20 articles all defeating the theory of the previous one or the other way around isn't really helping, is it? Confusing. And tiring. 

And I think this was the moment where I finally realised what the problem is. The big picture. 

Slovenia, you failed me.

I always thought I would study in another city in the country and then decide if to move back to my hometown or stay in the city where I studied. Meet someone good, who does what is right and not what is easy, and be happy. My mother was 23 when she got married and had my sister.

And the economic crisis began. And the social crisis. And the crisis of my life.

We had this professor in my last year back home. She told us that we have to go abroad to build a future for ourselves. I thought she was exaggerating, but after some thoughts I figures she might be right. 

I applied to Edinburgh Uni - top 17 Universities in the world - and moved to Edinburgh. I thought, if I can just make it through this, I will have something really good, and then I can go back home and build that comfortable future for myself. 

It would be really laughable if I wasn't so incredibly sad right now. 

Don't you see? There is no future. 

Or at least not the one that I've imagined as that little girl full of aspirations and hopes for a better future. And I am not talking about "generation Y" here, I am talking about comfortable future. And that future is gone. 

I am working in hospitality. And believe me, after 9 years of seasonal working, I am freaking tired of it. I am tired that I get bossed around by people who don't even have a degree. While I have one. I am angry that, at 25, I am at the pick of my brain developing, and I am wasting my time doing a job I hate. I want to do something important that could improve people's lives, or use my brain in a more productive way. Anything that would make  me feel challenged. That would fulfil me in any way. 

And, the interpersonal relations crisis. Oh my god, I never knew growing up would suck so badly. Do people have no values left at all? All around me, everyone is just using people for that 2 minutes high. And I am like, really?!

I was born in the wrong century. 

And honestly.. I really don't see the point anymore. 

My dear Slovenia is fucked. Our government is so corrupted that I wonder how they are even alive, doing the things they are doing. The economy is going down. The interpersonal relations are going down too. 

And all I can think is.. I've wasted 2 years of my young age doing hospitality work so I could pay my University fees, and study and have something.. for all that something to crumble into nothing. Because, really, where would be the point of going back? To no job? When I invested nearly 3 years of my life and thousands of pounds earned with sweat and blood into it. All for that comfortable future. 

And all I can think is that alternative future that I missed because I chased the attainable. All to figure out that it was unattainable. 

And they say "hard work pays off". Hardly.

I feel so cheated. 

So, if this is this evolved and advanced society you were telling me to look forward when I was a little girl, I am telling you now, screw you. You and your awesomely evolved society.

Good night,

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