October 04, 2014

Being honest is the answer. Or it should be.

Beginnings, beginnings. 

You know the funny thing is that I thought that being honest from the start would make things ok. Apparently I was wrong. Or maybe I wasn't. If the other person was honest as well.. things might have been different. But they weren't. They aren't. And that sucks.

My sister always used to say that the beginnings are the best part of the relationship. And it's true. Everything is new and exciting and exhilarating and everything seems perfect. Sad thing is, I don't think I quite believe it anymore. Which makes me sad.

So, I met this guy. And when the night was over I told him that if he was searching for a one night stand the answer is no, I am not searching for that and if that was his intention, well the answer is no. And he said "Yeah I am not searching for that either". I was positively surprised to be honest. And we were texting each other and everything. It was quite nice. It lasted a week. And the day after, he was gone. As in like "text me later, ok?" And he disappeared. 

Which begs the question.. What the hell is going on?!

I can't help but wander, has this become a new mechanism of functioning in interpersonal relations in today's society? Let her believe that I am down to it and then just disappear? Because let me tell you right now, this isn't cool. Or ok. 

Because I beg to differ. Being honest from the beginning about what you want should be the point. As in like "yes, I totally want to commit to someone and see where it goes" or "No, I don't feel I am ready/not the right time/insert whatever you feel". That would be the right thing to do. And if you are confused about it, just say it. Do not lead someone to then just disappear. 

And this is the thing that pissed me off the most. If you tell me something then stay true to it. Or don't say it in the first place. Because honestly, you took away that choice from me. I will adapt to the situation. I will make choices based on the things that you tell me. And saying something that you don't really mean and then just ran off without saying a word totally takes that choice from me. Because I didn't really know, did I? How could have I?

So I am left with doubts, questions, and nonetheless, anger. I am angry. Because I thought we were heading into something. Until that someone decided we are not. Did I actually have a say in it? No. Is that ok? Fuck no.

My friend says it takes two people to do something. And I am like "Yeah, but I want to know what I am getting into". This isn't a bet where I am hoping to win. It's freaking reality and words which should count for something. I shouldn't be betting on someone not to coax me into something that I might want. I want someone to tell me how things actually are. I should be aware to a certain extend where this thing is going. Shouldn't I?

And you will say, it's complicated. Yes, it always is. But for fuck's sake, not like this. People should just be honest. It would solve so much. So so much. Because, really, with all the toys in the world, people shouldn't play with other people's emotions. 

I am not sure I put this down the way I wanted it, or if it's understood the way I want it to be. But this is how I feel and that's just it.

Until next time,

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