December 30, 2013

Revisit and Revise baby ;)

The year is ending.. So I think it's time to revisit and revise. 

And I don't want my moody mood and being exhausted influence my writing. So, I will try my best to see positive things that happened this year. I have a glass of wine next to me and I will not think about tomorrow morning.

On January 18th I graduated, and finally got my degree in Psychology. This was one of the best best days of my life. It was perfect. And I remember in that moment, I was feeling it, and I knew it. And I told myself, keep this memories close, you'll need them one day, when things will seem very hard. I still do. All of them. 

My sister told me she was pregnant <3 I was to become an aunt <3 I was so so happy for her. She deserves all the happiness in this world.

I lived in a hostel. Yeah, it's pretty much like the movie "The hostel" though I never saw it. It was crazy and insane and awesome and amazing. I was never alone. And that alone meant a lot, while being by myself in another country.

For my birthday gift, I bought myself a trip to London for 4 days. To meet a guy that I meet briefly in the coffeeshop that I was working at. Crazy. Insane. But I wanted it. And so I went. Looking back.. was it worth it? I'm still figuring it out.

I went to my first proper date. Like dinner, you know. I even bought a dress for it! :P It was a nice date, or I should say dates, but I wasn't really feeling it, so.. The experience was nice though :) 

In March I moved to a flat. Right next to my Uni. Fabulous. But.. it wasn't a nice time in my life back then. I was kind of lost. And sad. And alone. With a job that I started to dislike every day more. No, it wasn't a nice time.

I May I went back home! Like I said, I was loosing it, so I decided to go home to figure some stuff out. It worked. Spending time with my family and friends.. it was like heaven. I went to this annual student party called "Lampiončki" and I had the best time ever. I saw all the people that I spent my Uni time with and it reminded me how extremely lucky I am to have them. And to have lived this amazing Uni experience. I am going back for it next year for sure.

I came back to Edinburgh in the beginning of July. At the airport my mom told me "Nea, try to go out more and make an effort to meet people, so you won't feel so alone". I promised I would. And you know how promises are like, right?

Every night I went out. Work in the morning or not, I promised my mother I will make an effort. And I did. I meet great people. A group of guys that made my summer an amazing adventure. I had the time of my life. :) Was about time :P

I went to Newcastle and I fell in love with it. I decided to move there one day, soon. 

I went to Manchester as well, and I had a great time!

At the end of July I was struggling.. I was working, but was far from reaching the number of my tuition fee. And I was lost again. All the hopes and dreams were once again far from my reach. And then..

My manager at work pissed me off. I'm an impulsive person.. so I finally said, screw it, I am done. I went for an interview and I got new job. I quit that evening. 

The next day I had my IELTS exam. Gods, what a panic attack I had. I will be forever grateful to my psychologist for making me breathe again, because I swear, in the end I couldn't breathe. It was awful. Fucking awful. For a moment I actually thought I would die. I was crying. I was screaming. And I couldn't breathe. And Ines saved me. I went to my exam, well, after being sick a couple of times, and I survived. 

On August 7th, my sister had her baby!! <3 She was so happy, and I was happy too :) <3

But I still didn't know what will happen with my Uni. And then I got the results of my exam. I was sitting for an hour in front of the button "results". I couldn't press it. My best friend was saying to just press it, but I couldn't. I was crying. And then she said "Come on, press it, love yourself". And I did. I passed. With an even better mark that I expected!! I was screaming. Loud. It was an amazing feeling. 

My new job started to get.. stressful, but the pay was incredible. Due to my 50-60 hours per week. But it was worth it. After months of doubts, and worries and stress, my dream seemed possible again and that alone was worth everything. And I managed it. I did. 

And in September 2013 I enrolled in the Master program of Psychology of Individual Differences. I was the proudest girl ever. All by myself. I did it. I fucking did it.

I switched at work to part time and started my Uni. Well, I must say this, a little advice for future Nea, look up at the actual program and see what it's like ;) Don't get me wrong, I still love it and I am still fucking proud, but I wish there was more theories and researches, than statistics and PhD proposals. 

In October my Mom came visit me! She came all by herself and I must admit I was surprised. She wasn't away from my Dad for more than 3 days in the past 30 year. But she came. One night I was so tired and stressed and drunk and I said "you know what?! What is money compare to my happiness?" I decided to pay for her ticket as long as she comes visit me. And she did. She brought me home to Edinburgh. I was happy. And loved. 

In November I was losing it again. I was working a lot. Yeah, you say, but you work part time! Yeah, but when part time means 40-45 hours per week + homework.. things start to get a bit out of hand. I asked for less hours and I was met with "No". Uh, it was insane. INSANE. I wasn't sleeping for some days. But I managed. And I managed to pass with good grades as well :)

I met some great people at Uni as well. They are amazing. I love discussion science and knowledge and everything psychology. I love it! And I love them :) I finally found, after a while, a place where I belong :)

December was and still is insane. I work full time now, and gods, I am exhausted. Everyday I walk to work with the fear that I will finally loose it and walk out. So, far I still haven't. But I was close. On many occasions. Because it's so busy, and people are so stressed, and I am so stressed.. I'm emotionally exhausted as well. But everyday I wake up and I keep trying. In the end, that's the best I can do. All for Uni, all in the name of science. Hope as hell future Nea will be grateful for all these sacrifices I am making for her. Because it's hard. It's so fucking hard. I said, after all this will be over, I am going to bed for 2 months. It still stands.

Well, after writing all this.. Regrets? Only one. (That I can come up with after a bottle of wine). You know, we really do fall in love in New York minute. I think I fell for the wrong person. And spent too much energy and drama to make something out of it, but it wasn't enough. And I've learnt, that no matter what we do, some people don't want to be saved. And that we accept the love we think we deserve

So, here comes my goals for 2014.

I've read this article about not calling it resolutions, because that just sounds negative and impossible, so I will call it goals and wishes. 

My goal and wish in 2014 is to figure out what I want. There was this professor in Psychological Research Skills class that said, think about what you want out of this Master. And please, let no the answer be, because I want to go to a PhD. In the end, you are spending your money, your energy and your time for it. Think about what do you want to be when you finish. He was damn right, and I am thinking about it. So my wish is to actually figure it out.

My other wish is related to this post my best friend sent me. It made me think. So my goal is to figure this out. 

I want to be happy. To feel as I deserve the things that I have. 

And that's it. I'll be a happy person if I manage to accomplished these 3 things. A very happy one.

*just one thing: the reference to my future self is taken from this awesome article that I've read. It makes a lot of sense.

I wish you a happy New Year,

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