April 06, 2014

How do you feel? Well, let me tell you how I feel.

No matter where I turn, I always end up in an inner conflict with the social representations of society in interpersonal relations.

So many things have already been said, and so many are said every day, but it feels like it's never quite enough said.
This time around I was reading a blog, and there was this girl explaining how she sees interpersonal relationships today and how she feels about it. I think the post is written very good. She explains how man are against committing because of various reasons, but the main one is "I am still trying to find myself". Or when they decide they don't want to keep seeing a person, they just ignore her. No closure. Nothing. Which of course leaves a woman wondering a) what happened with the guy, as in, did he died? and b) what is wrong with me? Did I do something wrong? Of course she is frustrated and thoughtfully pissed off. Is being lead on and then "boooom" dumped with no reason or explanation whatsoever. Show me a person that would not be pissed off about it! She is trying to explain in her post how communication matters. A lot. And that we need closure. 

I mean, no one is going to kill themselves because someone did not reciprocate our feelings. It hurts, don't get me wrong, but we heal and we move on. While no closure leave us with feelings of confusion and so many questions and most of the time we turn the answers to ourselves, as in, something is wrong with me, I must have done something wrong. 

Which is wrong. So very wrong. 

It's also hard to tell a person, that sadly we don't feel the same attraction or share the same feelings as they do. It's really hard, actually. But should't we respect the person and tell them what we feel, rather then just leave them be in this state of wondering what is wrong with them? People have enough of insecurities all by themselves and I think we should try our best not to add them up to them. 

But what bothered me the most about that post, were the comments. All the male population that commented on the post, were plain rude and hateful. As in "You are attacking men, most probably you have a problem" or "It's you that are doing things wrong and not the men population". And I was like O_o. I was so angry. 

So what, if someone express their opinion about the view of the world (that is different from others) we have to attack them for doing so? Funny, cause most of the women agreed with the post. 

But it left me wondering.. Why do men always attack women, when they say what they think? Same goes for the other way around. Don't they see?

It's neither's fault. It's society's fault. 

Lets leave feminism aside for a moment, thought it does play a big role here. We'll come to it later. Society wanted to create individuals full of insecurities, with no sense or a very poor sense of rightness and wrongness, and with values that are much different from the ones people had 50 years ago. Why? Because these people will be perfect consumers. They will buy anything that keep them fit, young, beautiful, special. To fill that void they constantly feel in their chests. Because, this is what the capitalism wanted. 

That's why if you look back, 20-10 years ago, you must remember the revolution of parenting. Permissive upbringing style. It exploded like a bomb and expanded rapidly in the Western societies. Parents did't punish their child any more when he/she did something wrong. The word "no" became nonexistent. Because really, if you say no once, doesn't really work with kids. You have to say it more times than once. So, no word "no", no punishment for bad behaviour or actions, no nothing. Therefore, a child can do anything with no consequences whatsoever. Now, take the fact that these kids are now grown ups, and tell me what you see?

A disaster, a collapse of values and most of interpersonal relationship that are going nowhere, because they require work and effort. And God forbid I actually have to work on something. I mean, it's easier to just leave it behind, say nothing and just disappear without saying anything? No. I am telling you now, this is wrong.

But what actually bothered me the most about those comments was.. you're a feminist. Why? Because I speak up mind mind? Oh my god, this word, seems these days has become the biggest insult ever. I don't even think people know the meaning of this word. And they throw it at your face like nothing. For anything that you say that involves speaking up for yourself. Well, let me tell you, this isn't feminism. 

I was talking with a very good friend the other day and he said "Women wear make-up to impress men". And I was like "Huh?" For the record, I don't wear make-up every day. Not because I don't like it, but because, quite honestly I can't be bothered to wake up half an hour before to do it. I do, however, wear it when I got out. But I don't wear it to impress someone, I wear it because it makes me feel prettier. And there is a difference there. Women may not feel pretty without it, or they just like to wear it, or just whatever. If it makes someone feel better about themselves, why not? And feminism has nothing to do with it.

What I actually felt in that moment when he said it was.. I may not have all the answers. And I definitely don't. I definitely don't know how all the women of the world think. But I do know something. I am not happy with the society today. I do struggle everyday. I go to work, I go to University, I pay my bills, my University fees, the drinks that I drink, the food that I eat. I have my insecurities, my problems and my consequences to face. And I bear it. All by myself. Everyday. Do you think it's easy? It's not. Yeah, I am independent, but at what cost? After 12-hours shift, everything hurts. I am 25 and I look at my legs with all the blue veins popping out from standing for so long? For the sake of being independent? And when I speak my mind about all the things that are wrong in this society, you say I am a feminist? Really?! 

Because what feminists wanted to achieve, was independence, freedom. I get it. But in the society that we live today is so so fucking hard to survive on our own. Men or women.  And bearing it all by ourselves is even harder. So, don't call me a feminist, because I am trying to survive, or to get a slightly better future for myself. Just don't. Because I am not doing it because I want to, I am doing it because I have to. 

I was raised in a collective society. And I still believe in it. Individualism and such... it's  feels wrong. We were born as social human beings. We rely on each other to survive. It might not mean literally as it did 2000 years ago. But, a group is stronger. Together we are stronger. A deep connection with people around us make us feel stronger, valuable and accepted.  We don't have to face the world all by ourselves. But, together we can face anything.

Until next time,

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